This pretty much summarizes where a man stands in a relationship with the opposite sex which is dependent on what his qualities are.

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

“Where have you been?” his wife demanded.

“I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair with my secre tary. We had sex all afternoon.”

“You lying bastard!
You’ve been playing golf!”

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The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?”

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, ” Not this time!”

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The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

“I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,” the mortician commented, “I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.”

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

“I have to show you something you won’t believe,” he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

“My God!” the wife exclai med, “Schwartz is dead?!?! ”

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The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.”

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

“Don’t move until I tell you,” she said. “Pretend you’re a statue.”

“What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

“Oh it’s a statue.” she replied. “The Smith’s bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.”

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

“Here,” he said to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith’s and nobody offered me a damned thing.”

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The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

“Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.”

“One cent?” the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?”

“A nickel,” the barman replied.

“A nickel?” exclaimed the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

The bartender replied, “Upstairs, with my wife.”

The man asked, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”

The bartender replied,
“The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”

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The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, “I have something I must confess.”

“There’s no need to,” his wife replied.

“No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!”

“I know, I know,” she replied. “Now just rest and let the poison work.”

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men–he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women–she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.”

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna look” by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”

And last, but not least…

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

Yours very truly,

Management of Wal-Mart

A brand new store has just opened in

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions
at the entrance:- ‘You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors
and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may
choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next
floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to
find a husband.

The 1st floor sign reads:

Floor 1
These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads:

Floor 2
These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:

Floor 3
These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled
to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4
These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help with Housework.

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I
can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:

Floor 5
These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help
with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

Floor 6
You are visitor 31,456,012 to
this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof
that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner
opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives who love
sex.

The 2nd floor has wives who love
sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors
have never been visited.